when your boyfriend fits into your jeans.

Holy fuck!
I am horrible at this shit.
blogging i mean.
i keep trying to write something super relevant and very now with whats going on in my life.
all of which could just be summed up with bullet points...
here we go now:
1. im inlove.
2. my job makes me want to rip my throat out.
3. im obsessed with decorating my apartment like im 90 years old.
4. im obsessed with my dog and his sleak body.
5. #4 has always been true.
6. finishing Hunger Games made me feel like something was stolen from me
7. i want to own a bow and arrows ( see #6)
8. weekly dog park dates with meaghan and meaghan herself save my life.
9. i pretty much dont care about shaving ever.
10. i should though.
11. matt and i often put on "dancing on my own" and grab gus and dance while moving gus' limbs to the beat.
12. matt was given a car, this will change my life.
13. i miss kristen so much my butt could fall out.
14. my pinky toes have never been more mashed in my life.
15. i havent had internet at home since March - fb keeps telling me i have pending notifications. (pay for my internet, ill unpend everything)
16. i need to buy a kitchen table to replace my 2 bikes acting as decor.
17. i will never be able to do that if  i keep buying dresses.
18. maybe there shouldnt be a store that was invented solely for myself.
19. picnics and garbage beach bonfires have commenced.
20. the warm weather makes me want to quit my job and live outside.

this could also be 20 resons why a person shouldnt have a blog.
i keep thinking about confetti cake blizzards and that i should be choreographing more often.
at least my priorities arent completely fucked... sugar and dance.

going to mtl this weekend to be with my favourite. should make snack packs and playlists for the ride down. im going to scream in matts ear the entire time. screaming songs of course.

pri pru.

goodbye.

If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay, you know. Contrariwise, if you think we're alive you ought to speak to us

either i was hallucinating last night, or i did, in fact, see two grown adult women (40-50 years), identical twins, wearing the exact same outfit. same jacket, long skirt, sparkly shoes, hair pulled back the exact same way.
i dont know?
i had to double, triple take these curious women.

again,
dont know?
felt it was worth documenting.

lose all your spines and necks.

Ill never be sad again...

i dont dream about anyone - except myself

officially all moved out of the standard lofts.

kristen is gone.

a piece of me feels gone.

i dont like.

i also dont like how unhealthy i am,

and have been for over a month.

the same sickness keeps coming back and i dont have any time to get over it.

i need a real break from my life.

i dont feel myself.

due in part to sickness, another part due to the loss i am feeling for everyone i had in my life a year ago.

i should feel happy.

i have a wonderful bf who would do anything for me.

and new beautiful, awesome friends.

but i never asked to lose any of those other people,

and for that i feel despondent.

i must accept the things i cannot change.

"and whether we act, or dont act, voila, miraculously, without exception, things turn out exactly the way they do."

you go on ahead

dont chase after people's approval

dont depend on your plans

dont make decisions;

let decisions make themselves

free yourself of concepts;

dont believe what you think

embody the inexhaustible.

wander beyond all paths.

receive what you have been given.

and know that is always enough.

hold your head up, hold your head up, hold your old skull up high

saw brad for the first time in 8 months. my heart was in my throat and barfing felt like a reasonable option. it ended up being not so bad. there was laughter and reminiscing, which was a little sad, but also comforting. we actually spoke of our breakup, and him being the most emotional guy i know, started to cry. and so of course i started to cry. so here we are, two adults, sitting at a restaurant i go to regularly, crying. i got some closure. and have now learned we saw things very differently. i thought he didnt want something super serious and he thought i never wanted that. which almost made me want to scream. how could you not know all i ever wanted was to marry you!? but i was not that girl for him. somehow in his brain i was the fun loving girl, that brought him this sense of happiness when he was at his most down point in life. but that was it. i helped him, but i wasnt the marrying type.

that depresses me.

all i ever want is to be married.

blegh.

matt made me feel alot better. i went to his comedy show after dinner with brad. no one makes me laugh the way he does. it was a much needed relief after all the thoughts that were barrelling through my head.

and he told me that maybe brad doesnt see me that way, but that is not objective. that is not the truth about me.

my heart is opening to matt.

my days are spent with him, and laughing with him.

i dont know what has changed, but something has changed.

its different then brad, which makes me feel like its wrong. but maybe its so right. maybe not rushing into something serious is the proper way to do things.

my heart is made of stone it feels. but he says he wants to chip away at it. and i used to hate that he wanted to do that. but now i kind of like it.

we are alike to a scary degree. generally, in relationships you become like the other person. by the end, me and brad were the same person. and still sort of are. he carries pieces of me with him, and i carry pieces of him with me. but matt and i were the same from the start.

and again, cannot decide if this is good or bad.

its different.

all i know is that i find myself each day talking to him and hanging out with him. and i dont know when this changed.

but it feels refreshing.

blahblah, all i ever talk about is boys.

someone blow my fuckin head off.

see ya.

If you stop to think about, like, chewing -- what it really is? -- how people just do it, like, in public

big changes into my life...
kind of.
maybe just changes?
regardless!
moving into everglades with:
1. lindsay walker
2. kira crugnale
3. dead drug addicts
4. pentagrams
5. pooping with the door open (i already do that...sorry kristen)

all these things are good.

NOT good things, my very best in the world is moving to mtl. dear poo groulx, you have broken my heart, but also im happy for yours, but also dont like.
also dont like leaving the standard lofts. oh big bedroom i will miss your giant windows and bricks and all the memories of farting in you. and vents so kristen and i can hear eachother did'ing and its weird.
i can say and in a sentence as many times as i want.

i have nothing else to report...
everything else is a boy i like who is stupid.
a boy who likes me that i wish i could like.
again, nothing to report.

kevin is also back into my life. have not been in same city in 5 years. welcome fellow original ottawanian. did some good ol' time degrassi junior high watchings. he plays video games and i lay on floor. classic. classic kevin and alex hangs.

dont come near me, i have tonsilitis

i have been watching alot of this...
for like, the 100th time.
this show will forever be everything i love about high school based tv shows.
the most true to life.
everything is totally within reason.
not like "hi, i got raped a month ago, also my best friend was stabbed yesterday and our school had a shooting and the guy commit suicide and my dad beats me."
yes, im talking about you degrassi. but i also love you degrassi. in a different way then my so-called life, but just as meaningful.

angela chase + jordan catalano